The Airlines Stink

(238) The Airlines Stink
Every day we hear more and more about how the nation’s airlines are struggling to preserve their bottom line by reducing convenience services and charging customers for services which were heretofore provided gratis. How much would you pay for a tiny bag of nuts, a dried out cheese or peanut butter sandwich, a space for your carry-on luggage (unless, of course, you wish to have the airlines, world champions at losing your luggage, handle your bag), pillow and blanket, accelerated check-in privileges ( available to rich folks everywhere and moneyed terrorists)? Apparently your answers are not satisfactory to airline executives. More revenue is needed yet. What can a poor airline do to survive as the economy tanks (you’re welcome) and ridership declines?

“Tears of Blood” has, exclusively, obtained advanced copies of an impending announcement from several airlines. This news may be shocking to some of you, but I believe that it is truly predictable. In unison, the nation’s airlines will begin to charge the flying public a fee to use the on-board rest rooms. Imagine yourself stuck on the tarmac, as inordinately long delays often occur during air travel, sequestered in a sealed, non-air conditioned cabin. Your body begins to express its need to void. Do you break out the wallet and spend the $6.50 to use the “can”? Think you’re stuck, that you have no choice? I beg to differ (and for you to use the rest room)!
To me the solution is obvious and profitable to the apparently hapless traveler. You may be thinking in reverse. Instead of considering how much you would pay to use the rest room in this unfortunate predicament, I suggest you turn the tables. Consider the consequences to the airline should you decide NOT to use the rest room. You say: “but nature calls and I can’t ignore that”. I’m not advising that you fail to answer nature’s call, only that you reconsider where that call should be answered. Right there, in your seat, in your pants! If it is not beneath the dignity of the airline to hold you hostage on the tarmac while they charge an exorbitant fee to relieve yourself hygienically and in privacy, then it is not beneath your dignity to refuse to pay and to relieve yourself in your seat. The other passengers will be offended and disgusted, unless, of course, they have decided to embark upon the same course of action. The airline will have no recourse against you, since it is not illegal to take a dump in your pants. The tables may now be turned in the favor of the hapless, diarrhea-stricken traveler. How much would the airline pay YOU to agree to use the rest room, instead of relieving yourself, odoriferously, in full view (and smell) of the hundreds of other passengers?

America is the land of opportunity! We do not have to be taken advantage of, in a potentially embarrassing situation. Embarrassing for whom? Seize the opportunity that blessed nature has given you to recoup part, or all, of your airplane fare! Who says you have no choice but to pay to use the comfort facility? Just who is it that has no choice? Imagine, if you dare, three hundred angry passengers in a wide body jet. They have been waiting on the hot tarmac for two hours. Conditions in the cabin are sweltering. As time goes by, some (or all) of the hostages, I mean passengers, begin to “feel the need”. If they all take my advice, they can get anything they want to discontinue their threat. Rest room access is just the beginning. Think a little bigger: an in flight movie; a “premium” meal; a priority position for takeoff; extra frequent flyer miles; free liquor; a first class accommodation (first come, first served); even the impossible – egress from the “stalled” plane. The possibilities are endless for the enterprising and unscrupulous traveler.
Perspective, perspective…what is the difference between a victim and an opportunist?