Bail Out My Stimuli

So today we hear it again. There is a clarion call reaching far and wide across our land. It is uttered by rich powerful industrial magnates and mere citizens alike. Bail Me Out, Bail Me Out. I need big government to give my independent, laissez-faire ass a hand. Or is a fist that I need? Everyone, it seems, is taking the lead from the thriving capitalist banking and investment industry. The moguls demand a bail out for their horribly unsuccessful corporations, but don’t leave anything on the table for the little guy. Those lazy wage slaves and nickel-and-dime investors don’t deserve any help at all. The socialist democrats want to bribe their voter constituency with direct rebates of taxes they never paid, but don’t give a dime to the corporations who employ our voters. We all know what could happen if America’s businesses were allowed to be strengthened; they would try to use their newly acquired cash bag to bribe the evil republicans.
Where will it end? Government WILL bail out huge portions of our private, capitalistic financial and industrial segment. “New” needy voices are heard from each and every day. In case you have not been able to keep up with roaring demand for support from mommy and daddy, I would be glad to chronicle the creeping socialism news for you. I’ll also prognosticate regarding which needy and “soon-to–be needy” corners of our economic square will be bellying up to the bail out bar.
Banks and Investment firms: Bad loans have been made. Actuarial faux pas’ have abounded. The most wealthy among us have had to take a big hit. Some of these opportunistic geniuses may have to sell one, or more, of their extra homes, give up sweetheart, unearned, cronyistic, compensation deals or opt out of exclusive country club memberships, all while the “little” guys starve or go broke under the weight of ever increasing tax burdens. These poor rich privileged Americans need our help, even though they would never, ever lend us a helping hand.
Automobile Manufacturers: For decades, American automobile manufacturers have been proudly and arrogantly unresponsive to the needs of their customers, the demands of an environmentally conscious world and the world political and economic energy game. In a deep, macho voice, they urge us to jump onto the giant truck and fast sports car bandwagon. A car is not merely a means of personal transportation, a machine offering the opportunity of mobility, it becomes a statement about manliness, personal and national strength, as if the very suggestion of molding our automobile purchases to the circumstances under which we live, is treasonous, as well as homosexual. If we don’t pitch in and donate the cash intended for our childrens’ college funds, we’ll all end up driving Yugos, like some gaggle of Eurotrash faggots. Heaven forbid. God might roll over in his grave.
Retail Marketers: the most dynamic sector of our blessed economy is the retail sector. The most important time of the year is Christmas, not because of its religious significance, but because America spends its way into prosperity in a cloud of thankfulness and self-indulgence. Without this retail activity, what would all of our illegal alien “citizens” do for “off-the-books” work? We must not allow this great bootstrapping economy portion to fail. Did you ever try to pull yourself up by you bootstraps? You will, undoubtedly, fall right on your worthless ass.
Viva Las Vegas: When cash is scarce who will gamble? Being the Mecca of gambling and gamblers, how will the kings of kings survive in such tough times? It has been our gambling losses which have built these palaces in the dessert and now the “little” man must continue this support, despite the irrefutable fact that he can’t afford to lend it now. That’s where the generosity of corrupt government officials comes in. The US Treasury comes riding to the rescue, as in the old west. Imagine the damage that would be done to our image if Las Vegas were to be allowed to fall under its own unnecessary weight. It is a national security issue to preserve this landmark of conspicuous consumption, at least to keep it out of the hands of subversive foreigners who have never paid off legislators and other hacks. These world famous establishments must continue to serve America and we, Americans, must pay to ascertain that this holy work be done. Gambling is a fixed game; how appropriate that the Treasury bail out gamblers with taxpayer, I mean sucker, money. Here’s to American democratic transparency and three card monty. Don’t the all American practices of gambling and conspicuous consumption resemble those investment practices which support our failing economy to an extent that we should bail out gamblers?
Prostitution and Pornography: For centuries, man has exploited the sexual imagery of beautiful and sexually exciting women through the prostitution and pornography “industries”. These are industries based upon prosperity in the other conventional sectors of the economy, because very, very few men have ever starved or died from the denial of their right to paid sexual thrills. These businesses are also of great importance to feminists. If prostitution and pornography were ever to be eliminated, where would all of the vacuous comely cheap ladies (of the evening) find gainful employment? They might have to find work as secretaries, waitresses or other menial sluts. What a shame that would be? How could American manhood hold its “head” up high without the Bunny Ranch or the Chicken House? Our nation would undergo a crisis of self image without these uplifting industries or establishments. Since discretionary funds always dry up in a recession, we need to bolster these critical industrial segments, otherwise America would not be America.
Drugs for America: I’m not talking about the pharmaceutical industry here. America depends upon the plentiful supply of high quality recreational drugs, not only as a commodity, but as a lubricant of traditional business “dealings” as well. The courageous and resourceful denizens of this oft maligned profession have pioneered politically corrupt payoffs at home and abroad. They have enabled the growth of many satellite industries, such as illegal firearms, phony documents, white slavery, high speed vehicles, high tech surveillance and many others. When money, from traditional sources of income, proves scarce, citizens and politicians, whether customers or not, will be called upon to fill the bill for debauchery and addiction. Let’s face it, America would be unrecognizable without its vices and its Vice President. Pay up America, we know where you buy your drugs!
There you have it, one bail out of American capitalists will certainly not be enough. If you find it ironic that we will be bailing out some groups of businessmen who have always been associated with the seamier side of life, please remember that there are no more loyal practitioners of laissez-faire capitalism than pimps, drug dealers and murderers for hire, not even bankers, insurance men and manufacturers.. They need our help so badly.
I can see it now (we’re in big trouble); wallowing in the dirty streets of Palm Beach, their Bentleys out of gas. The (under)privileged of America, the world’s newest poverty hell-hole. A well meaning looking man, a tear in his eye, implores us to make a small monthly donation to keep these (un)fortunates out of the grasp of anti-wealth, socialist inspired poverty. Democrats and Republicans alike quiver in sympathy as they weep openly.
Bail Them Out America, they need your money more them you do.